How to connect with others by being listened to

Recently I’ve had a couple of coaching clients say to me, “I feel really vulnerable doing all the talking for so long.” We’re 30 minutes into an hour-long session and it is truly a space where it is all about them…in the best sense.

In a world where there is a lot of talking at, not talking with, what a perplexing paradox. The examples are endless, right?

• Political pundits, debates, etc. etc. etc.
• Older folks preaching at younger folks
• Young whipper snappers preaching at old geezers
• Social media
• Workplace “trainings”
• Social service staff telling clients what to do
• Managers with employees and vice versa
• Volunteer managers with volunteers

True listening and talking about heartfelt feelings requires that our hearts be open — and nothing else. It is rather a vulnerable position for both the talker and the listener. As I reflected more on their thoughts, I realized that I, too, was sometimes uncomfortable being truly listened to for a long amount of time.

Something changes when we connect.

This is what the world needs, however: individuals who connect over meaningful matters in a meaningful way. Listening is a key ingredient.

Here are some tips to ensure that listening is happening:

• The listener has more statements that end in question marks than periods.
• There are silences in between statements. No one is rushing to fill them.
• The space between you has some reverence and time seems to slow down.
• Tissues may be needed.
• Cell phones/digital devices are not involved, unless there is actual talking happening.
• Words are spoken slowly and chosen with care.
• Advice is not given.
• All individuals share and listen with reciprocity.
• You walk away feeling refreshed — not burdened.

This is a place I need to grow too. What are you tips for inviting someone to listen to you when it is needed?